Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
