I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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