I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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