You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
