All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
