I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
