I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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