my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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