i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
