i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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