I didn't shave. On purpose
never play flip cup with pint glasses
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
