Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
