The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
