I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
