Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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