someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
