just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
