I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
