Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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