My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
