my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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