I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Too much gin, very little bucket
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
