Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
