You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
someone owes me an orgasm
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
