Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's official drugs can't kill me
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
