Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
