dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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