He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
