my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Randomize
