I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
