I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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