Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
