My boss' voice literally gives me gas
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
