I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
