Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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