I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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