I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
