K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
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