my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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