why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
