Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
