apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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