So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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