yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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