I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
