i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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