I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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