I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
