I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
