Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I could make wine with my vomit
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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