All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
