And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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