the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
