watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
