Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
