And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
