I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
